Scared and Sleepless

I went on a retreat this last weekend.
I don't remember when my head started hurting.  Before the retreat. 
Late Sunday night I just "couldn't" anymore.  Left the tv remote with the girls and went to bed.
I cried, and the pain worsened.
Fun Girl found me...
She tried to call her dad. He was at a hockey game with the boys.  Unsuccessful, she called our friend Dara. 
They tried to boss me out of bed...to another room where I wouldn't hear water running.  The goal was to get me in a warm bath to help me relax and see if that would help.
Earlier in the day, Fun Girl and I were cruising through my essential oil book, she grabbed it and started reading. 
Not too long after, my room was scented with the oils of frankencense, lavender, mint, "Stress Away", lemon, "Peace and Calming".
She was rubbing oils on my feet. 
I would like to say that was the cure all. 
I felt loved and cared for.  I felt guilty that my daughter was feeling so desperate and I was the cause.  I was soothed by the scent of the oils. 
Hubby was home soon after.  He was on the phone with the doctor, in spite of my protests.
Ice packs were suggested. 
And they worked.
They worked to the point I could sleep.
Late Sunday morning/early afternoon I woke.
My speech was a mess.
My leg was...well I don't know how to describe it...it just gets slightly heavier and less like my own leg.  Doesn't work or feel quite like my real leg is suppose to and yet it is my leg.

sigh

The headaches came back.  Not as severe.  But back nonetheless.
The hubs says he is coming home early from work to push for an appointment with the doctor.  Says he is going to push for hospitalization or something.  It has been 3 months.  And we have no concrete answers. Healing from a concussion can take 2 years.  Headaches might come and go for years.  No appointments with specialists that could possibly do anything or know anything.

I have hung up my car keys.  My vision is wacky.  My speech is hit and miss.
I have trouble following busy conversations... I even had trouble following the speaker during our retreat. 

We have no answers. 

And for the first time in my life, I don't know what questions to ask.
There are quite a few that have told me they think this is stress related.

Yet the whole situation is stressful.

I haven't blogged, because I have no answers. 

I don't know how to explain this state of being. My broken speech.  If I have time to form my words in my head before I speak, I can for the most part speak correctly.  My search for words.  My frustration.  I sometimes catch myself wondering if this is what my mom feels like with Alzheimer's or any of the other people I have met and seen as they struggle to communicate. 

I think through what I am going to do before I do it.  Sometimes I freeze in place to plan how to move....a curb will cause me to stop and ponder the process of stepping down.  The fear that takes over, that I will fall and hurt my head further. 

My eyes are sometimes slower to focus.  The world takes on an iridescent 3D appearance at times.  It just shimmers and moves and yet I know it is suppose to be stationary.  I stop and wait till I can bring it into focus and hopefully, the world stops moving quite so quickly and lets me catch up. 

In all honesty, I don't know how to pray.....
Praying for healing would be the practical request. 
Yet my practical side recognizes, God's plan might be a different path.
So I sit in silence and wait.  Wait and rest.  Try to learn what He might teach me in my silence.
And sometimes I cry.
Sometimes, I get glimpses in the changes He is doing....
*brothers who fight less and learn to work things out a bit better...just so mom isn't stressed or overwhelmed by the loudness
*maturity and a stronger work ethics being developed
*new skills learned
*less busy mom means more one on one time
*new growths in relationships
*new relationships
*seeing the heart of a prayer warrior develope in The Man

I find myself in the quiet of the night wondering, praying, alone in my head......
Maybe tomorrow I will be better....

Cleaning up

I carved out some time Sunday to go through a few piles.  

I found this prayer request from Dad's Bud. 

He dictated to Uncle Ben at "Wit's End" of the Focus on the Family Building/Store.  

That is Uncle Ben's "PTL"

His sensitive and caring heart makes me smile. 

Rejoicing !!

I have been sick and dragging for a week now. This morning I made myself get up. Along with getting up, I was online checking school closings. Not that school closings affect us. It is a balmy 65 degrees in our school today and we need not worry about wind chills or icy roads since we home school. But we do have outside activities that cancel based on the school districts around. Of course it is not just a quick check. 2 minutes ends up in 30 minutes and then an hour. Cleaning up email, cause I haven't read email in 2 days. Clicking onto facebook to get updates on the lives of those I love. One of those updates stirs my heart with such joy, I need to take a minute or two or three to share.
When I can't sleep I pray. Not feeling well much lately, my sleep has been affected at night most of the last week. I have prayed. The subject of many of these prayers have been a sweetheart of little girl named Bethany. Just over a year old. Just having learned to walk. After watching my 5 all go through the milestones, I can imagine her little toddler frankenstein walk and waddle. The joy on her face as she discovers all that she can get into. The stumbles and falls that come with this new ability. Then the heartbreak of seeing her momma's post. Sweet Bethany is in the Burn Center. Several phone calls crying with my friend, I have known since junior high. Knowing the agony of a mommma's broken heart and all I can do is cry with her. Wanting to swoop in and rescue them from it all and not being able to. There is only One who can do anything. He is with them all the time and I cry out to my Heavenly Father on their behalf. Sweet Bethany fell against the glass doors to their gas fireplace. Not into the flames, the glass door. She landed with her palms against the glass door. We know now, these glass doors can reach 250 degrees and hotter. A trip to the ER sends them to the Burn Center in another city. My friend is surrounded by pain and suffering. Her little princess is is agony, but she isn't the only one. Pain and tears like I cannot imagine from many more than just sweet Bethany, it is the burn center. I can only pray for comfort, peace and healing. Dressing changes, and more dressing changes. My friend learns how to change these dressings herself and they get to go home. Lots of back and forth to the burn center. Talk of surgery. Talk of skin grafts. More tears. More pain. More dressings. My friend sobs to me, "I just want my baby's hands back." How easily we take for granted that little chubby fist and its tight grip on our fingers. The joy of playing patty cake and clapping to music. The soft skin and feather touch as the little hand touches us. She may not have fingerprints. A little of humor as Bethany is still Bethany and proves she is still capable of getting into things. God's mercies are new every morning. And then, the dressings come off and no surgery, no skin grafts need to be done! What joy!! All I can say is praise God. Thank you God for healing her little hands. For sparing my friend the agony of her little princess going through surgeries and skin grafts. Lord, please be with the other little ones suffering in the burn unit. Comfort them. Heal them as well Lord.
In an effort to educate people about these fireplaces, my friend is joining with another of her friends, who is currently going through the same thing. They have started the Bethsiah Project. There is a link in the margin.

Surgery Update!

I received more info tonight from a mutual friend who has been updating for our friends on Facebook.

**most recent update **The tumor was smaller than before which means less trauma to the rest of her body from removal. It did seem a little odd so they will wait the pathology report befoe knowing what kind of tumor it is. She will be in ICU today and tomorrow and if all goes well she can move to the hotel by Thursday or Friday.

Prayer Update -- Prayers of Thanksgiving!

I am so tickled and pleased to share this bit of information. My dear friend's husband posted on facebook today and her daughter called to share with me that all went well with the surgery. Sounds like it was a 6 hour surgery. A long, long wait. I haven't stopped rejoicing or thanking the Lord for His mercy and grace for this wonderful family!
*** Praise the Lord Janet is out of surgery. The doctor is very pleased with surgery and feels everything went well. Janet will go to recovery and then to ICU. She will be there until tomorrow sometime. Thanks for all your prayers. I will update laters when Janet is awake. **
(facebook post from this afternoon!)

Please Pray....

Homeschool Mom of 4 emailed me today with the following,

Dear Friends,

We are on our way to Little Rock tomorrow. I am having surgery Tuesday to remove a tumor in my brain. Even though I have one of the top neurosurgeons in the country (if not the world), I know that ultimately this is all in God’s hands. I believe strongly in the power of the prayers of God’s people. That is why I am asking for your prayers. And, if your church has a prayer chain, would you be willing to add me to that as well?

Pray for the doctors and staff, that the surgery would go well with NO complications. That my recovery and recuperation would go smoothly and quickly so we can come home as soon as possible. For safety in travel as Oklahoma and Arkansas got lots of snow and ice this week. Pray for our children that they would have peace and that things at home would go smoothly while we are away.

Thank you and God bless.

And we are still waiting.....

Do to unexpected changes in today's hearing, no sentence has been given.
He is in custody and will remain in custody until??? For now that is a comfort for us to know he is in custody. We have been told what the minimum and maximum length of time could be. However, any of that can change. We have experienced much of the unpredicatability of our court's legal system. At this time, we are unable to answer any questions. And so we wait and pray that God's Will will be done, whatever that may be.
It was an extremely difficult day. We are tired. We are relieved this part is over for us. Extremely relieved.
We thank you for your prayers.

** Prayer Request **

Tomorrow (Friday) is our day in court. We have been thrown a few curveballs. This afternoon has been tumultous. However, it is evening now and tomorrow is a new day. Homeschool Conference is this weekend, we will start our day there. Have lunch and attend to business. Hopefully we'll end our day at conference. I am struggling to find a balance between forgiveness and how to ask for strong consequences. There are crimes that just should never happen. Crimes in which I believe there is no reasonable excuse that can be given to only give a slap on the hand. There are crimes which require strong discipline and consequences. Those around me are concerned about how I will respond to the judge's decision if he decides to only give a slap on the hand. I told my husband I will probably cry and be upset. And then I will move on. Tomorrow will be an emotionally charged day. The only "request" for prayer I can ask is : God's will be done, and there will be validation for my family that what happened was undeniably wrong, should not have happened and there will be some type of accountability/punishment required from the defendant.