Hospital Pictures

I have had my doubts as to whether I should post these pictures.  Each time I look at them, I can't help but smile.  My girls missed me.  They were a bit scared by their Mommy's stay in the hospital.  They can up to see me one evening.  We would learn later, they were well past visiting hours.  Oops.  They climbed in bed with me and we began the picture session.  Fun Girl even gave me a pedicure.  Such a bright spot to be able to look down at my toes.  I am so blessed to have these 2 for my daughters. 

Scared and Sleepless

I went on a retreat this last weekend.
I don't remember when my head started hurting.  Before the retreat. 
Late Sunday night I just "couldn't" anymore.  Left the tv remote with the girls and went to bed.
I cried, and the pain worsened.
Fun Girl found me...
She tried to call her dad. He was at a hockey game with the boys.  Unsuccessful, she called our friend Dara. 
They tried to boss me out of bed...to another room where I wouldn't hear water running.  The goal was to get me in a warm bath to help me relax and see if that would help.
Earlier in the day, Fun Girl and I were cruising through my essential oil book, she grabbed it and started reading. 
Not too long after, my room was scented with the oils of frankencense, lavender, mint, "Stress Away", lemon, "Peace and Calming".
She was rubbing oils on my feet. 
I would like to say that was the cure all. 
I felt loved and cared for.  I felt guilty that my daughter was feeling so desperate and I was the cause.  I was soothed by the scent of the oils. 
Hubby was home soon after.  He was on the phone with the doctor, in spite of my protests.
Ice packs were suggested. 
And they worked.
They worked to the point I could sleep.
Late Sunday morning/early afternoon I woke.
My speech was a mess.
My leg was...well I don't know how to describe it...it just gets slightly heavier and less like my own leg.  Doesn't work or feel quite like my real leg is suppose to and yet it is my leg.

sigh

The headaches came back.  Not as severe.  But back nonetheless.
The hubs says he is coming home early from work to push for an appointment with the doctor.  Says he is going to push for hospitalization or something.  It has been 3 months.  And we have no concrete answers. Healing from a concussion can take 2 years.  Headaches might come and go for years.  No appointments with specialists that could possibly do anything or know anything.

I have hung up my car keys.  My vision is wacky.  My speech is hit and miss.
I have trouble following busy conversations... I even had trouble following the speaker during our retreat. 

We have no answers. 

And for the first time in my life, I don't know what questions to ask.
There are quite a few that have told me they think this is stress related.

Yet the whole situation is stressful.

I haven't blogged, because I have no answers. 

I don't know how to explain this state of being. My broken speech.  If I have time to form my words in my head before I speak, I can for the most part speak correctly.  My search for words.  My frustration.  I sometimes catch myself wondering if this is what my mom feels like with Alzheimer's or any of the other people I have met and seen as they struggle to communicate. 

I think through what I am going to do before I do it.  Sometimes I freeze in place to plan how to move....a curb will cause me to stop and ponder the process of stepping down.  The fear that takes over, that I will fall and hurt my head further. 

My eyes are sometimes slower to focus.  The world takes on an iridescent 3D appearance at times.  It just shimmers and moves and yet I know it is suppose to be stationary.  I stop and wait till I can bring it into focus and hopefully, the world stops moving quite so quickly and lets me catch up. 

In all honesty, I don't know how to pray.....
Praying for healing would be the practical request. 
Yet my practical side recognizes, God's plan might be a different path.
So I sit in silence and wait.  Wait and rest.  Try to learn what He might teach me in my silence.
And sometimes I cry.
Sometimes, I get glimpses in the changes He is doing....
*brothers who fight less and learn to work things out a bit better...just so mom isn't stressed or overwhelmed by the loudness
*maturity and a stronger work ethics being developed
*new skills learned
*less busy mom means more one on one time
*new growths in relationships
*new relationships
*seeing the heart of a prayer warrior develope in The Man

I find myself in the quiet of the night wondering, praying, alone in my head......
Maybe tomorrow I will be better....

Duck, Duck, Goose....and many blessings around

Still Counting the things that bring me joy and gifts from God.  In January, the kitchen at church was being cleaned out.  A whole bunch of expired bread was going to be thrown out.  I knew I had a busy day the next day with some lag time in between appointments, but not enough time to do anything productive.  I volunteered to share the bread with the local birds.  I have a favorite spot at Sedgwick County Park on the north end, it is full of these ladies and gentlemen.  One of my favorite things to do with the kids over the years.  Haven't done it for several years. The weather was beautiful.  Something therapeutic about being outside and watching and experiencing God's creation.  Thank you GB for sharing the bread with us.  We had a great time. 
1067.

 

Hockey Player preferred his spot in the van. 

Dad's Bud found a quiet spot to himself and the birds.

Shaken brains change thinking and speaking

Winding down from the day and trying to catch up on some things as I wait for sleep to capture me.  Sure beats lounging in the dark and writing blog posts in my mind while I wait to wake in the morning.

I drank a Pepsi today.  I couldn't take a nap.  So now, I have caffeine coursing through my system.  Fortunately, tomorrow I have my hubby to cover for me if I need a nap so I can go back to my non-Pepsi state. 

One of my first goals when returning from Colorado was to kick the Pepsi.  This past week I did it, but then I had a couple since then.  But the caffeine headaches are gone.  At least I think they were caffeine headaches.  I did really well in Colorado.  Really reduced the pop intake because I didn't want to struggle with dehydration in Colorado. 

Since my return from Colorado, I have had a lot more trouble with my speech.  I saw the doctor before I left and was referred to a neuro doc. I just never have been back to my old self since the car accident.  Headaches, dizziness, numbness.  My doctor started calling neuro docs and we were referred to a Neuropsychiatrist to assess me and my symptoms.  I have more dramatic pauses to my speech and stuttering.  I have to work for words and the more I think the more pronounced (pun intended) the speech issues get.   Yes I meant to say the more I think.  Thinking is hard exercise these days for this brain.  It gets all fuzzy feeling and sometimes I think I feel it sweating a bit.   

When all is calm and quiet, it is as if the accident never happened.  Then I get busy around the house and talking to someone and it all changes.  The more animated or tired I am, well I try to find a sense of humor.  The word "who" gets me and, well, I pause and just "whoooo"t like an owl when I am with the kids.  Laughing is better than crying.  One of my clever witted children asked why I sounded like Porky the Pig.  To which he got a look and no response.  Of all things to compare the mother to, not the best choice. 

My brain gets tired.  I am told, that is, because it is trying to heal.  There is some talk about permanent brain damage in the speech area.  Surrounding parts of the brain may kick in to pick up the slack. 

The whole thing is just a confusing mess of whats??? The timing of the concussion with stress, cold/flu viruses, sinus stuff has really muddied the waters. I have such a high tolerance for sinus and ear pain it has been hard to know if dizziness is related to sickness or concussion. So I just kept resting. But I was pressed to seek a doctor appointment when faced with the question of whether to fly or not this past trip to Colorado. There will be more testing coming up.  Primarily for a baseline to monitor my brain's healing and for the future.  It should, also, (I am hoping it will) give us some indicators as to what is going on with me and my brain. With my mom's early onset of Alzheimer's it will be good record to have for my own medical history. 

For now, I wait...wait for appointments and rest.  I need to have moderate stress and activity in my life to allow my brain to heal. The first 3 months are critical... well the first 2 months are done and gone. There was nothing we could have or probably would have done differently had we known...we were doing the best we could at the time. To second guess ourselves won't change anything. So now I rest in knowing our life has significantly changed in the last 2 months. My responsibility load has been lightened and God's timing has been in it all. He knows far more what each day and year will bring. While the process has not been an easy one, He knows.