Scared and Sleepless

I went on a retreat this last weekend.
I don't remember when my head started hurting.  Before the retreat. 
Late Sunday night I just "couldn't" anymore.  Left the tv remote with the girls and went to bed.
I cried, and the pain worsened.
Fun Girl found me...
She tried to call her dad. He was at a hockey game with the boys.  Unsuccessful, she called our friend Dara. 
They tried to boss me out of bed...to another room where I wouldn't hear water running.  The goal was to get me in a warm bath to help me relax and see if that would help.
Earlier in the day, Fun Girl and I were cruising through my essential oil book, she grabbed it and started reading. 
Not too long after, my room was scented with the oils of frankencense, lavender, mint, "Stress Away", lemon, "Peace and Calming".
She was rubbing oils on my feet. 
I would like to say that was the cure all. 
I felt loved and cared for.  I felt guilty that my daughter was feeling so desperate and I was the cause.  I was soothed by the scent of the oils. 
Hubby was home soon after.  He was on the phone with the doctor, in spite of my protests.
Ice packs were suggested. 
And they worked.
They worked to the point I could sleep.
Late Sunday morning/early afternoon I woke.
My speech was a mess.
My leg was...well I don't know how to describe it...it just gets slightly heavier and less like my own leg.  Doesn't work or feel quite like my real leg is suppose to and yet it is my leg.

sigh

The headaches came back.  Not as severe.  But back nonetheless.
The hubs says he is coming home early from work to push for an appointment with the doctor.  Says he is going to push for hospitalization or something.  It has been 3 months.  And we have no concrete answers. Healing from a concussion can take 2 years.  Headaches might come and go for years.  No appointments with specialists that could possibly do anything or know anything.

I have hung up my car keys.  My vision is wacky.  My speech is hit and miss.
I have trouble following busy conversations... I even had trouble following the speaker during our retreat. 

We have no answers. 

And for the first time in my life, I don't know what questions to ask.
There are quite a few that have told me they think this is stress related.

Yet the whole situation is stressful.

I haven't blogged, because I have no answers. 

I don't know how to explain this state of being. My broken speech.  If I have time to form my words in my head before I speak, I can for the most part speak correctly.  My search for words.  My frustration.  I sometimes catch myself wondering if this is what my mom feels like with Alzheimer's or any of the other people I have met and seen as they struggle to communicate. 

I think through what I am going to do before I do it.  Sometimes I freeze in place to plan how to move....a curb will cause me to stop and ponder the process of stepping down.  The fear that takes over, that I will fall and hurt my head further. 

My eyes are sometimes slower to focus.  The world takes on an iridescent 3D appearance at times.  It just shimmers and moves and yet I know it is suppose to be stationary.  I stop and wait till I can bring it into focus and hopefully, the world stops moving quite so quickly and lets me catch up. 

In all honesty, I don't know how to pray.....
Praying for healing would be the practical request. 
Yet my practical side recognizes, God's plan might be a different path.
So I sit in silence and wait.  Wait and rest.  Try to learn what He might teach me in my silence.
And sometimes I cry.
Sometimes, I get glimpses in the changes He is doing....
*brothers who fight less and learn to work things out a bit better...just so mom isn't stressed or overwhelmed by the loudness
*maturity and a stronger work ethics being developed
*new skills learned
*less busy mom means more one on one time
*new growths in relationships
*new relationships
*seeing the heart of a prayer warrior develope in The Man

I find myself in the quiet of the night wondering, praying, alone in my head......
Maybe tomorrow I will be better....

An update...

It is late...
My mind is a whirling.
Fun Girl, "don't want to be a pest...but you haven't updated your blog in a while."
Me, "I don't know what to write.  Life is tough right now.  I cry a lot"
I just viewed my last post posted.
It was the afternoon before the car accident.
Life was great that day.  Blogging and computer stuff done.  Kiddo at a Christmas party, looking to what all needed to be done for the holidays.  On our way to work Bingo to pay for Hockey Player's hockey and life came to a halting stop at the red light. 

We were stopped.  The kid admitted to being distracted.  He stopped only after crashing into us.  Things could have been so much worse.  That they weren't I am grateful.  I was stunned, dazed and, well, just going with the flow.  I didn't feel right but stayed quiet.  We went on to Bingo.  My leg went numb, got heavy and eventually I sat down and helped with paper work.  The next morning, I was dizzy and weak... Eventually I was in the ER.  A concussion. 

A week later in the ER again.  Post-concussive syndrome. 

It is not good to sit in the car sideways.  I was sitting at an angle so I could face Hubby while he drove and we talked.  Instead of a front to back concussion, I was hit from the side.  Bummer.  Brain doesn't like that too much.  I slept a lot for the 2 weeks after the accident.  There is a lot I don't remember from about Thanksgiving till now.  Pictures help.  Talking helps.  Sometimes looking at the calendar.  But for the most part, the memories are mostly gone.  But I know my kiddos have been gems.  They have loved on me and taken care of me. 

A week after the accident, the call came.  Granny was gone.  There was to be no services or viewing.  She was gone.  I slept a lot.  The kids and I still have yet to fully process she is gone.  It is just a big silence in our life.  None of us really know how to talk about it. 

In the meantime, my mom is declining in leaps.  Agitated and confused.  She doesn't always recognize us, or she does and doesn't know why we are familiar. The year ends and a new one begins.  We find ourselves saying good-bye and grieving.  Mom will be moving soon.  She wanders now and doesn't know us a good amount of the time.  They will move to Colorado, there are more siblings/kids there to help out and support.  More than just me.  Colorado is home to my parents.  Where they want to be.  I know with this move, we are saying good-bye.  Visits will be farther and fewer.  Her memories of us will slip faster with our absence.

And I sleep a lot.  I have aggravated my concussion a couple of times.  I can't be silly and shake my head at the kids.  It hurts.  Accupuncture helps a lot with the pain.  But it is not long lasting.  More follow up with the doctors to happen.  Hoping for the doctor okay to travel to Colorado with my mom.  There is a concern about the change in altitude and pressure on my brain.  I have an extra motivation in going...I want to see my preggy niece.  My first grand-neice on my side of the family.  I love being an auntie and look forward to changing my title to GREAT Aunt!  She is due soon.  I can't remember the due date.  If it wouldn't be too soon, it would be cool if she popped out to see me while in Colorado.  Wouldn't that be lovely....snuggles with a super sweet wee new born.  Ahhh!
I keep telling Hubby I need a baby girl of my own.  The kids think my concussion is even worse than the doctors have said.

School planning needs to be done.  Hoping between naps and appointments this week, I will accomplish this one GREAT BIG task. 

Learning experiences in the HARD

I have been quiet for a few weeks.   Been walking through a season and learning and leaning on my Heavenly Father.  Sometimes life is just HARD.  There is no way around it.  Sometimes not only it is HARD, but there comes a tiredness that is HARD to overcome. 

I am grateful to be blessed with a husband who allows me some time to wrestle and cry and work it through.  This year I have faced some overwhelming HARD changes in my life.  What makes it all HARD is I struggle with depression and while some seasons are easier to roll with the punches, others are not so easy. 

Earlier in the year, it became known that my momma has dementia.  She is way too young.  Her memory/mind seems to be declining more rapidly than we would like.  Growing up in a not so idyllic childhood there has been estrangement and stress in all the relationships in my family.  When my mom moved to Kansas, our relationship for the first time improved and we became a bit more like friends.  Guaranteed the first move in Kansas she was a couple of hours away, but then there was another move and she was closer.  Only 30 minutes driving.  Not really sure exactly when things started showing up and realized something was wrong, but it was shortly after the last move.  Just bizarre things.  Things I let annoy me.  Eventually it was things I allowed to hurt me.  Now I look back and I see, I see oh so much clearer.  The energy I wasted being annoyed, the energy I wasted on frustration.  I kept voicing I was concerned.  Never could put a finger on it.  The changes they happen so gradually.  Excuses are made, slip ups laughed off until no longer you can remember life being different.  Then a photo album comes out and as I flip through the pages I remember a different time.  Something is wrong....

This past month though, with a kiddo in the hospital and a call that my Granny was declining and not doing well at all and I should visit as soon as I can.  Estrangement happening again with my Dad and my Mom not being the Mom I remembered, I crumbled.  Sometimes you just want your Mommy and her hugs.  You can't always have what you want.  I had to find what was enough.  So I have been quiet here, but not so quiet with my Heavenly Father.  Remembering to praise Him for who He is and in all the ways He loves me and shows me He is there, even when deep in my heart I just want to have a pity party.  Allowing Him to collect my tears.  Putting one foot in front of the other, although sometimes it is pretty sluggish.  Trying to push through the dark clouds and trust God is with me even in the storms and it is HARD.  Cause that is what it is about TRUST when times are HARD.  During the easy times building a foundation that can whether the storms of life no matter what they bring.  Something my Mom taught me just by living day after day with the Lord for almost as long as I can remember back to.....

Suprises, a double take and a double dose in learning about Compassion

We spent the day in the car again. 
A Thursday kind of day.
A late start in the morning, Awana the night before and it takes everyone a while to wind down and share their stories of the night.
Piano lessons and back and forth from home, because not everyone has to go.
In the back and forths, running Fun Girl to work.
Back home for a quick lunch.
Then to Bal-A-Vis-X.
Then to the grocery store to get the latest ad.
My day stops here.
I am lost in my own world as I sit in the car and wait for Hockey Player to run in, grab the ad and come back to me, stopped at the curb.  He comes to the door and says, someone fell. 
I quickly recall the vague thud I heard and start looking around.
A deep intake of my breath.
A "grandpa" is down  in the parking lot and 2 ladies were helping him.
I quickly put my hazard lights on, put the burb in park and tell the kids to stay.
I see the ladies are talking to him and I run inside to tell Customer Service someone has fallen.  They quickly send the managers out.
He is a little disoriented. His face is banged up and he is bleeding quite a bit from his scrapes.
He misjudged the curb/ground and face planted.
My heart was in my throat.
He just wanted to get in his car and drive home to the next block over where he lives in Assisted/Independent Living facility.
But he is so disoriented. 
Rides are offered. A chair is offered. Paper towels.  Someone got ice.
I ask him the name of where he lives.
Blessedness that it is, I am very familiar with his residence. I have family there. I quickly call.  They send over their Director of Nursing and instruct us to call an ambulance. 
The managers do that. 
I see he is being well cared for and try to gracefully exit.
I stop at the care facility to give them a first hand account for when he returns later on...as disoriented as he is he might not be able to tell them much.  Plus to let them know he has 2 bags of refrigerated items. 
All the while grateful he is well cared for and being watched out for. 
As I return my car, I hear one of children ask why I had to get out of the car and  help?
My eye brows shot up.
Because it was the right thing to do I am thinking.
I try to say because he needed help. 
But this kiddo, is grumpy.  Wanted to be at home.  So did I.  Just didn't get it.  Which for this kiddo when this stage of self centeredness has started it is really hard to refocus. 
I ask my children if they knew the story of the Good Samaritan. 
I was shocked when my younger two said no.
NO???
I gasped and did a double take. 
My brain went into over drive. How could that be? 
We read Bible stories.  We talk Bible stuff.  We memorize verses. We go to church.  They watch Bible videos.  How? But....?
I stop the bumbling around in my brain.
I share the story as I drive. 
I ask who was a good neighbor?  why? 
Now they all have heard the story and know.
But now, it is quiet and I can think.
It is just like I share at times with friends and my oldest. Just like I had shared that morning with a friend.  God doesn't always take us down the same path as the person next to us.  He has different lessons for us at different times. We don't learn his ways over night.  Sometimes there are even some slips and falls along the way, just like when a baby learns to walk and become a toddler.  Yes, my oldest were schooled in the story of the Good Samaritan.  Now so were my youngers.  My youngers on the other hand have been learning lessons that my olders are learning just now. 
Different people, different paths, different learning curves and lessons plans created by the Master Educator.  Patience and understanding and compassion for one another, for we don't know where the Lord has taken them, is taking them or will be taking them. 

Being able to see and more.........

Hmmm, driving home from Jenks, Oklahoma, I discovered home much of a MidWest girl I am.

 

 I like the wide open spaces. I love seeing the horizon that includes land and sky.

 

Not much for a landscape that includes lots of brick buildings, sidewalks and being underground. I have visited those places and was struck by how obstructed my view of God's creation was by all that man made.

 Some call me a city girl, because I am not much of a fan of dust and dirt and I am allergic to most things that pollinate.

In my fairy tail world missing dirt, dust and spiders, I am a Country Girl.

I like the views.

I enjoy gazing upon God's nightly paintings I the sky.

 

  But

I realized on the same drive I am the girl that likes daylight.

I don't like to drive in the dark.

 I don't like not being able to see the horizon.

  I like to know what is ahead.

I can say the same thing about Life.

I don't like the feeling that I am driving off into oblivion.

I don't like suprises. I want to know what is going to happen.

It is hard to trust the road is going to be there especially when speeding down the road at highway speeds or that nothing will jump out in front me.

Sometimes it is hard to trust that God really knows what He is doing.

Sometimes it is hard to know what it is God would have me to do.

 I fret and worry and pray God will get me home in one piece.

 It has gotten a little easier over the years, but not much. I just don't like it.

I don't like not being able to see what it is ahead.

And Each and Every Time 

I arrive, it is with a sigh of relief and a readiness to rest.

And a gladness that I am Home

I think Heaven is going to be at least a little bit, just like that.  

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dusty days

I was suprised last week by the sky.
I have to admit it was very unsettling to witness the dirtiness and dinginess of the skyline.
Used to clean, clear blue skies occassionally filled with fluffy clouds.

When storms are brewing, the skies are shades of gray and dark and sometimes, yellow.
It is okay because much needed moisture is on the way.

The sky this day promised nothing of the kind.

It was shades of browns and only promised dryness, dirt and thirstyness.

I caught myself wondering if this is what the Great Plains looked like during the Dust Bowl.
Gritty eyes, and the feel of dust on my skin after just a short time outside.  A short time meaning, the short distance between my vehicle and the door a couple of times because I ran a few errands.
I looked out back and saw our poor Gus.  A beautiful black fur coat was now coated in brown.  Even he was unable to escape the air and wind around us.  I didn't have the energy to let him in.  He would only shake and roll and create more cleaning.  So out he stayed, though I think a child or two may have rescued him and put him in the garage for a while. 

Yet in my sleepless nights of late, I can't help but think how much our spiritual lives can be illustrated in this one day.  My life.  In my sheltered, 25 square mile, little circle of the world I get covered by the dust of this world and bring it home.  The every day sameness, busyness and sometimes monotonous life gets to me and before long my life seems dusty, brown and dirty.  I long for something more and my focus is no longer on what is before me, I neglect the housekeeping of my heart and it gets dusty.

The dust

It gets in my eyes and affects how I see everything around me.  Instead of gratitude for my home and I see chores that just won't take of themselves.. Instead of a home filled with God's blessings, I see messes and monotony.

It makes me sneeze.  It is uncomfortable and my body tries to get rid of it.  My mind tries to reject the negative attitudes, but there is just enough lingering to..... 

Stir up my allergies. I become sick and weak in my attempts with the Lord and the simple act of breathing becomes difficult and it is work to get my focus back. 

Sometimes I need the help of medicine, a good dose of Divine intervention, to get me back on track.
 
In the meantime, my life just looks dingy and dry and thirsty. 

It is missing the crisp colors of freshness and renewal. 

Even in the dark days of adversity, a dusty spiritual life misses the promise of renewal and a thirst that is quenched.

Oh, don't let it be so...........

Counting to 230......

216. Tire Swings
217.  Boyish legs peeking out of shorts
218.  The syle of a 6 yr. old...red shorts + orange shirt + navy tie
219. Compassionate voice on the other end of the phone
220. A plan to help Granny
221. "Quiet time" in the car...listening to sounds of distant cars, wind and birds
222.  A boy writing in the sand
223. Trash trucks and how they captivate a boy
224. Boyhood!
225. Ebay and making progree on cleaning out the closets.
226. Dump Dates with my husband
227. Pepsi
228. Antibiotics
229. Mucinex D
230. Y Swimming pools

Some of what I have been pondering lately.. Joy versus Calm

I am waiting for the day when all will be calm.
Waiting...
Waiting...
Then I get an afternoon, all is tranquil and quiet.  The kids are playing.  I hear sounds of laughter through the door.  Inside, quiet rumblings from the pursuit of various ventures.  Moments to reflect and ponder the goodness of God.  Some writing, getting things accomplished.  Ahhh, this is what it is like, a life of calm.
Kaboom, Crash, Wails and Tears.
It is over and I am waiting again.
There is a tree limb in my son's hands.  A limb long enough to be a pole vault.  Images flash through my mind of children flying through the air as a result of jumping with this "stick" in their hands while jumping.  REALLY??? I am thinking.  Calmly, I announce tonight is the not the night for accidental impaling, head concussions or other serious injuries.  I grab the tree and imagine myself with super human strength flinging it out of our universe.  Onto the other side of our fence will have to suffice.
I am still waiting.
Yet, if my life was calm and peaceful as I imagine it with no drama or antics of children, I would be lost with out all the laughter and joy that bubbles over from it all.  Without the scares and rescues from my dear Lord and Savior I would not have the treasured moments of reflecting on His intervention and faithfulness.  I am finding in my life much of my Joy from the Lord comes with the hard things in life.  Don't get me wrong, I don't like the hard.  Don't like it one bit.  But then again, I didn't enjoy childbirth.  I do enjoy the children and joy that has resulted.

Tears

It has been a teary week.   First it started with realizing this would be Hockey Player's final official year of Awana.  Should he finish his book this year, he will earn his Timothy Award.  That took me down memory lane.  Cause with our club, they always ask parents what they will remember  most.  I can't help but remember Fun Mom's Timothy Award. 
These two kiddos are intrinsically "tied" together when it comes to Awana.  Cubbies came into our life as an answer to desperate momma prayers.  I wanted something to help me teach my sweet toddler "Fun Mom" about Jesus.  Pregnant with Hockey Player, my then 3 year old Fun Mom started going to Cubbies.  Beginning my journey of learning how to sit, walk, and live my life while teaching these precious children about God.  I had no idea, that a month into her first year of Cubbies, I would be laying in a hospital room in organ failure with dangerously high blood pressure, scared doctors and being induced. I was actually admitted, shortly after taking her to Awana.  I thought I was just going to get checked and sent home.  I wasn't scared when they told me I needed to be induced.  All I could think on was the Bible verses I had been helping my little Cubbie to memorize.... "All have sinned.."  "While we were sinners, Christ died for us..."   "God loved us and sent his son..."   I was asked once by my dear sister how it was I had the presence of mind to quote scripture at a time like that.  I had no real answer for her.  Many years later and many more life experiences later, my answer would be different....practice.  When I spend my time focused on God's Word, it is only natural it comes to mind when times are desperate.  Not that I can honestly say, I have done it "right" all these years since.  I have had my times of distraction, to only realize how distracted I have become because when I am desperate again and there are cobwebs where there should not be.  A reminder for why we are encouraged by God's Word to not grow weary in doing what we know is right (Gal. 6:9).

So as I dwell on my second's growing up and the faithfulness of God in his life, my littlest is starting kindergarten at home.  He graduated Cubbies last year and is starting in Sparks.  So ever glad, I am not sending him off on a bus.  I think it would be even harder on this momma .  My littlest girl turned 10.  She will, hopefully, be trying to earn her Timothy Award next year.  Daddy's Buddy is graduating Sparks this year.  So many milestones, so many reflections. 

A blessed reunion with extended family this weekend. Only six of the "greats" (3 + spouses) are still around.  God showed me how very much I am loved by my extended family.  Something I have known, but I saw it with my heart this weekend.  Made me a bit weepier.  With a childhood torn apart by divorce and lies of this world I sometimes can get lost in bad memories and then God so gently reminds me of the good memories and blesses me with the many grandparently hugs I have been missing for so many years.  I have a place where I belong. 

Then a phone call from my dad. 
My heart tells me maybe I shouldn't put off for another year what can be done now.  It is time for some more memory making. 
Tears, a little heart wrenching at times, soothing at others, joyful still.  But never unnoticed by my Heavenly Father.  May I always rest in the palms of His hands.

Then what princess am I ?

So, I can't leave well enough alone.  After realizing, Cinderella I am not, I started to wonder which princess I most like.  I have to admit, I don't feel much like a princess these days.  Not with a household of seven.  Princesses live lives of glamour, beautiful clothes, and travel.  They must, right?  That is what all the fairy tales paint it out to be.  Never mind that the England's new princess opts to do her own household chores right now.  She doesn't have kids.  William doesn't count.  I mean seriously, my life is most like Snow White and the seven dwarfs. 
Yet, when I spend time reflecting on the qualities of Snow White, the animals don't come peacefully into my home to help clean.  No, they come bounding in the door in the shape of a black lab, one that figures obstacles were meant to be mown over.  Doesn't matter if the obstacle is a pile of clean laundry.  The trash can is just a large food dish. 
Though, I do have a lot of little people around.  But they never put me in a glass box in sadness because I am "asleep" and they miss me.  Nooo, they shhhshhh each other out of fear of waking me.  I am beginning to think I resemble the old hag the most.  The scary one.  Seriously, I am not taking the nap cause I feel my most charming self.  They aren't shhhshhh each other out of love for me and my need for rest.  They are shhhshhh each other, so I will stay asleep, cause when I closed my eyes I was just as haggard as the old women in the story and just a mite grumpy.  They fear if I awake a bit too soon, I will still be an old hag.  They are hoping for a miracle, that I will awaken as Snow White. 
Like I said, I think I should have left things well enough alone. 

If we could only be Cinderella..

We have had a relapse around here.  There is something called Princess Syndrome that runs in my family.  Painful to admit.  For those of you who have not heard of this syndrome the symptoms are:
*an inability to see things that need to be picked up
*if said things are seen, there is an inability to pick up and put away these stray objects because it must be someone else's job.
*if these items are mine, well, someone else should do it for me, cause I am ever so busy. 
*a strong desire to laze about and live in a dream world
*beginning to compare one's self to Cinderella
*dreams of being whisked away to a far away castle where there were people who actually enjoyed doing things for you
*complaining or grumbling or just having in general a bad attitude while doing chores

It is painful to admit but I know these symptoms all too well.  I too have dwelled in the fantasy world of wishing my Prince Charming would appear and whisk me away to a castle.  I just loved the story of Cinderella growing up.  The fabulous rescue, the sense of "in your face" mean ol' stepmother and stepsisters.  No more serving you.  But I had an aha moment this summer when I watched one my own sweet princesses struggling to overcome this syndrome in her own life.  Unfortunately, it wasn't a gracious, delicate aha Cinderella moment, it was more like a clutzy stepsister aha moment.  Our Princess Syndrome behavior was nothing like Cinderella.  Cinderella was kind and gentle, she served others with forebearance.  She didn't like how she was treated but she didn't act out or rebel or return evil with evil.  She returned good for evil, she whistled while she worked (i.e. did all things without murmuring or complaining).  And in the end she was blessed by her King of Kings. 
Ouch...
So not Cinderella here, but I want to be with all my heart.

Been pondering....

This morning God woke me up.  Yep!  Really early too!  Couldn't go back to sleep. I tried, and that is how I know God woke me up, cause I was still really tired.  But I have been struggling with feeling overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed by what all needs to be done in a done and how it is going to be done.  So with my glass of water (Important point, cause there is no Pepsi in the house.  Kind of like coffee for the one who doesn't like coffee. Which is a good thing, cause if I had made a pot of coffee, then the whole house would have started to wake.  Did I say it was really early.).. 
So with my glass of water, I curled up to read my Bible and pray.  God didn't have a magic answer to how it was all going to get done.  He just told me to "just do it".  There was no, huh??  head scratching, trying to figure out what He meant.  Cause we have been down this road before.  One foot it front of the other, just go to the next thing when the first is done.  You see, I like to plan.  I homeschool.  I have a large family, to some at least...not like the Duggars.  I like to create beautiful schedules.  But guess what, my kids don't get it.  THEY JUST DON"T GET IT!!!  My husband doesn't either.  Not that he should.  Cause he is the head of the home, and I shouldn't be telling him what to do.  Maybe asking him about a possible honey do project...(a whole other topic..)
But really they just don't get it.  They don't have the same sense of accomplishment of a long list with tick marks next to each item.  They just do not get it ! Besides my beautifully created charts just aren't fun to apply.  Fun to create, but not to apply.  So I have been pondering on how to organize my year, months and days.  Not an easy task when I know my crew won't follow my schedule.  I have managed to learn life throws us curve balls on a regular basis.  So how Lord do we get it all done?
He reminds me, One foot in front of the other.
He didn't ask me to get it all done.  He asked me to seek HIM first, then to just go to the next thing, one foot in front of the other.   So I don't have all my plans figured out, but I have my mission/theme for the year. 
Seek the Lord first and then "Just do it!"

I So Appreciate the Benefits of Caffeine...

With caffeine, I leave my very laid back, calm, unimaginative and unmotivated self behind.

With caffeine, I am cheerfully chattery with my children. I get sewing, mending, grading, dishes, laundry, school, cleaning, ebay, and closets cleaned out. Array of other odds and ends projects done. My body does not appreciate my caffeine source. Coffee is not my source. Ewww, is all I can think of when I think of it. I have tried a frapucchino. But even with the sugar, chocolate and yumminess added, there is that dreadful after taste. My source is Pepsi. I love the bubbles, the taste, the hiss when a new bottle is open and most of all, the caffeine.

I kicked my habit about 4 years ago. Six dreadfully long months of withdrawal.

The last month or so, I have been testing the waters...or more like the Pepsi's.
I can't get addicted again. Withdrawal was horrible and lasted for months. But I do like the way the bubbly makes me bubbly. It is sooo bad for me too. It does horrible things to bones. It is dehydrating if I don't drink enough water. It can keep me awake way too late at night, especially when Fun Mom accidently adds a little to my drink. But a little bitty cup of it during the early afternoon slump, is just the perfect boost to keep me from napping when there are things to be done.

Oh, what is a girl to do? ! ?

One of those days....

I am in the midst of a Beth Moore Bible Study. Esther, It's Tough Being A Woman.

This past week there was a lesson that dealt with annoyances vs. agonies.
"Here's the trap, however: If we distance ourselves long enough from real needs, we replace them with those that aren't. Pretense becomes the new real and suddenly a delay in the delivery of our new couch becomes a terrible upset. We are wise to force ourselves to keep differentiating between simple inconveniences and authentic tribulations. The more detached and self-absorbed we become, the more we mistake annoyances for agonies. It happens to all of us. "

She goes on to write, "I often have to tell myself to get a grip and downsize how I've blown up a comparatively small problem."

Since I did this lesson, it has been a resounding echo in the back of my mind. I can reflect back on real true agonies in my life and how I have responded.

Then I start to think about the comfortable life I have and how far I am from having "real needs" in my life.

Then my children start being children. And let me tell you, the annoyances pile up. I mean the pile is huge. The annoyances are great and unending. A 4 year old that just won't stop disobeying and laughs when you discipline him. A 13 yr. old who is getting rather perturbed that her test has been interrupted and would like to finish. A 6 year old, who just has to have a particular green bag, in spite of the fact, the two bags are identical. An 8 and 10 year old, enjoying all the chaos because they can escape school work and mess around. The pressure in my chest and head is increasing. I feel like I am going to explode. I rename the pile from annoyances to agonies. I struggle to get through the moment wishing for a vacation or simply Calgon to take me away. I chase my brood through the routine of dinner and then to the car. All so I can enjoy some peace at church while they are at their activities. The pressure in my head and chest resides. I am laughing again.

And then...

My little "angels" sleep, and I remember the lesson again. I wonder when will I pause to recognize the pile for what it is. Minor annoyances that won't last and that I can quickly turn into teaching opportunities with the right attitude. Instead of blowing up and/or pushing through the muck till bedtime, I need to tell myself to get a grip and see the situations for what they are, small problems or better yet teaching opportunities, . Then, with a peace not my own, address each situation accordingly.