I don't think I could ever say my life has been easy. There have been moments when God has blessed me with a season of calmness and peace. But there has been much drama in my life, childhood, adulthood, parenthood, the whole shebang. Through it all, I have had one constant request of the Lord, if this must be how it is, then please use it. Please don't let my tears and struggles be for nothing. May this time bless someone else. Don't get me wrong. I beg God for things to be different, I ponder what it might be like to have a boringly sedate and calm life. I kind of long for it at times. Yet, in all the craziness of this drama filled, rollercoast life of mine, I, also, experience God in ways I never could in a boring, sedate and calm life. I find myself tucking away these memories into my heart to ponder, cherish and cling to for the years to come. Some of these, I hold onto quietly, secretively, tucked deep into my heart. To share them, would reveal too much and possibly hurt one that I love. Others, I share quietly and then others I shout from the rooftops. Recently, God gave me a hug beyond anything I could imagine. A note of love for me to tuck deep into my heart and hold onto.
You see, I got a kiddo, well actually 5 of them. But this kiddo, some would say he has 'special needs'. He is absolutely brilliant. Far too brilliant for his age and he struggles socially. The memories of my childhood have come rushing back. I try to not share too much of his struggles. Labels, misconceptions, gossip, prejudice are all things that concern me. I want to protect him as much as I can from these.
For as long as I can remember, I have asked God for my life to be the one that breaks unhealthy cycles. I didn't know what that would end up looking like, nor how hard it would be to endure, I just didn't want things to continue as they were. As we were taking note of this kiddo's struggle, our life as we knew it was shattered, the pieces were like broken glass spread out on the ground. But God used this horror of horrors in our family, to introduce us to a wonderful team of people. With them we began to pick up the pieces. Funny thing is, you can't put glass back together again and have it look beautiful. It ends up cracked with little pieces missing. However, God creates beauty. That is what He has done and is doing with our broken pieces. I didn't want what I had before, He knew that. If someone asked me to describe what I want, I would not be able to. But God knows what I want. He even knows what it looks like. So the healing began, and then, we began to seek insight and help with this beloved child of ours. With the passing of weeks, the tears, the fears, and whys, God has continued to put back together the broken pieces. Not into what was there before, but into a beautiful work of art, a mosaic made out of the past but into something new and beautiful.
As with many works of art, the artist is never quite finished, there is always something. No difference here, at least for now. But every once in a while, the Artist lets you have a sneak peek. That is what happened a couple of weeks ago. God gave me a sneak peek, a truth I could hold onto, to ponder and cling to. This child of mine has a heart of gold, is challenging to parent, but has the sweetest, biggest heart. I have struggled this spring. Lots of invitations to travel and explore, but I would have to go alone with all the kids. We are still trying to get medicines fine tuned. Weather and schedule changes add other challenges. I confessed to our friend, Ms. Amy, I am scared to travel alone with the kids, all things considered. I know the kids want to, but I know how challenging it would be. She is sympathetic. She understands. She offers some encouragement. Then it is time to be one on one and so I leave. While I am alone, I remember the meaning of this child's name. Source of healing, a good steward of what God has given. I cling to these promises, because after all, I didn't choose his name. God impressed this name on my heart. I rest in my heavenly Father, enjoy a few peaceful " Just as quickly, they are there. A hug for me from my tender hearted child. Special words for me from Ms. Amy. Out of the blue, off topic, these words were said, "God made me special." "He loves me and lives in my heart." Nothing to do with the pictures being colored. Nothing to do with topics of school work and activities. Just a simple declaration.
My prayer is that he will know God's love. He will grow in stature and wisdom. He will trust the Lord and live a life that is for the Lord. That no matter what, he is special to God. God did not make a mistake when he made him, he is special and has a plan for him. And right now, God is using him to heal my heart and change the pieces of the past into a beautiful work of art.
