In my quiet and prayer time as I wrestled out yet another issue with God, He whispered a memory from my adolescent/teen years.
It was a season, I loved to read. I read anything I could get my hands on. I especially liked Reader's Digest and Guidepost. Fortunately, my mom was willing to renew the subscriptions for me for years. I have no idea if she ever read them, but I did, cover to cover. This memory God whispered was of a story of a man who forgave the murderer of his child. Not only did he forgive the murderer, but he would eventually begin to visit the prison. He developed a relationship with the person who tore his family apart, shared the Gospel and eventually led him to Christ. When it came to the time for his release, he was there and welcomed him into his new life as a free man and into his home. The memory God whispered was the silent prayer in my very naïve teen heart...I want to be that kind of Christian. A noble prayer for a young, un-experienced in life teenager.
But God didn't stop there. Because before He started down the memory lane with me, He was reminding me of His Word. You see there was Saul (Paul). He was despicable. He persecuted Christians, until God shook things up and got his attention. Saul (Paul) who eventually led many to Christ, shared the Gospel, suffered for his faithfulness to Jesus. He became the persecuted and counted it joy. But there is another story that fits right in the middle of there, maybe not chronologically, but fit it does...the point where there is sinning, recognition and repentance happens. It is the story of the Prodigal Son. At the point when he is in the pit of his sin and God reveals to him His love, grace and mercy. Saul (Paul) returns to his Creator (Father). A celebration happened, and not every one was happy about it either.
God started showing me that although the "stories" in His Word don't reveal all that was happening at that given moment, when looked together as a whole and individually, you can get a pretty good grasp of humanity from all different perspectives. We all sin and are in the muck of it when God grabs the opportunity to get our attention, He offers us the possibility of returning HOME because working for Him is better than eating after the pigs. He will celebrate and rejoice on our return, while some will grumble. They might grumble because they fail to see all sin is sin...they may grumble because they have forgotten where they were once before, or maybe they don't want to remember. Or they may grumble because they are in the season of realizing the importance of making good choices and the consequences of not doing so and their focus is so intense on these new convictions they are unable to step back and see all the different "projects" God has happening. It is easy to not realize we are all in different stages and the lessons of life do not happen in a particular order. As a result, sometimes others are unable to rejoice at the time. But Saul (Paul) and the prodigal son don't allow concern for what others will do or say stop them, they listen to God and trust Him and move forward. It is so easy to just look at one story and see the "simple" lesson revealed. You can ask yourself am I the prodigal son? the brother? the father? Am I Saul, the murderer and persecutor? Or am I the persecuted? How does this apply to me today? All very good questions. But looked at together, you see the same story being repeated from different perspectives, with different words but speaking the same message of forgiveness, mercy, grace and reconciliation.
And I consider the memory of the naïve heart that says, I hope I can be that kind of person if I ever were to find myself in a situation like "that." Easy to think as a teenager, because that is the season of invincibility and nothing like that will truly happen. Translated it looks like being a kind, generous, tender hearted and noble person. To be that kind of person the father was, to have that kind of heart, means a special kind of journey. One that is not easy. The story makes it all look so neat and tidy. It doesn't give a lot of background. The story fits neatly in just a few pages, and is inspiring. Faith like that father's is a process. He has been in the pit with the pigs. He knows forgiveness. He knows what it is like to be not forgiven and to be forgiven. He knows estrangement and reconciliation. He also knows grief and loss. He knows anger and the desire for life to not be so hard. He has wrestled with the letting go and not having control. He knows the love of His Heavenly Father and to who He belongs. But he doesn't just know these things, these things were wrestled out with His God. It isn't a humanly natural thing to embrace the murderer of your child. Not when you are faced with daily reminders of what will never be experienced. Not even when you fast forward into the future and are faced with the grandchildren you will never have and all your friends are sharing the pictures and stories of theirs, and there is a twinge and longing that dares to surface. A voice that begs to remind you of what was lost and an inner discipline that chooses to not look at what was lost but at what has been gained. An inner discipline to choose to have an eternal perspective in the midst of a mortal life. There was a soul searching, on your knees with God work being done process. It didn't just happen in the days after the murder. It was the sum of his life experiences and walk with the Lord from whenever it started. Forgiveness, mercy, grace and reconciliation are learned through experience. They are practiced in the little things when we recognize our own guiltiness of doing the same things. They are stretched and strengthened through the tougher challenges and are only possible because of God and His love for us. Then when a day comes and you are faced with what many would declare, "you are perfectly in your own right to practice some but not all four of those acts," you realize that in of yourself you can't, but in God you can. You can release the person, the situation into God's very capable hands because He loves each and every one of His creations. Each and everyone of His children and they were fearfully and wonderfully and uniquely made. If He could use Saul (Paul), then it isn't for me or you to say He can't use this too. It isn't easy, but all that practice of turning it over to God is what has been training me/you for this day. It is possible. While many may ponder and wonder, a simple truth I learned not so terribly long ago is what I reflect on, His Grace is sufficient for each of us in the measure we need it for each circumstance. His Grace, His Manna, He provides for each of us according to our need, each and every day.
And then God fast forwards me to the story of the father who made a hard choice. His son and son's friend were in the sea and there was only one life preserver. Only one could be saved. His son, knew Jesus well. His friend did not. He made the choice of eternity. His son, entered eternity with his Savior and the friend, as a result, experienced forgiveness, mercy, grace and reconciliation.
Then He reminds me of the season of nightmares. The kind that shook this very young, at the time, momma to her knees. Always the same theme... Persecution at its worst in my dreams. Prayers to God to take the dreams away. Then asking what it is He wants me to know or learn? In these nightmares, I face a choice. A choice that demands I deny Christ or my child/children will be killed or tortured in front of me till I submit....the scenario always a little different. I. Just. Can't. Deny. My. Savior. and I always wake up at the point where I am looking in their eyes wanting them to understand why. Why I can't save them. Why I can't deny my Lord and Savior. What bothered me the most was the question, do they understand why? Do they understand I love them with all my heart, but this one thing I can not do for them? I asked God how could I face such a horrific moment and my children not feel rejected, not cry out in anger and rage and rebellion. How to prevent them from becoming angry and rejecting HIM themselves and not be bitter from my choice. Then He whispered this answer: Live your life in such a way that they know. They know you love them. They know you love Me. Teach them, mentor them, raise them up in Me and then you have nothing to worry about because I will take care of the rest. Raise them up with an eternal perspective. I work all things for good for those who love Me. He taught me to focus on forgiveness, mercy, grace and reconciliation. To look with an eternal perspective, knowing that God works all things together for His Glory... and in the end, that is what happens when we all gather together in eternity, we give Him the Glory.
