Out of the running for Mother of the Year!

Super Bowl Sunday, I lost any chance of winning the title. 
I went from being aghast and shocked and laughing out of pure shock to grieved and shedding a few tears. 
Again with the whole head injury thing.   I am beyond being able to make decisions. I defer all decisions to hubby. 

Fun Girl asked to have friends over for Super Bowl.  I didn't grasp all the details till the day before and day of...10+ girls invited!  It was all on Fun Girl to do what needed to be done.  The guys went to my in-laws.  Well, all except Hockey Player.  I took him to hang with the 7/8th graders from church.  Little Princess stayed with us at the house and had her own friends over.

Somewhere along the way, I understood the game ended at 9.  Hubby would be home and pick up Hockey Player and all would be good.  I can't keep up with departure times and such to get Fun Girl to work on time much less navigate all the stuff that gets thrown at me during the day.  I have turned into a one thing a day kind of gal.  Get to thinking about too many things, my head hurts, I get tired, I get really tired. 

So back to the party.  My job besides chaperone, is to work on my clutter mess while every one is doing their thing.  I do my job well.  I reduce my mountain by about half.  A beautiful aesthetic improvement to the room.  Hubby comes home. Do you notice?? Do you notice???  Compliments. Winding down.  Chidlren sent to bed.  I am thinking I might just go to bed and how sleepy I am starting to get.  Then the hubby asks me, "Where's Hockey Player?" 

I don't know.  Hubby looks at me really hard. 

Talking about an hour and a half after Hockey Player's party ended.  The kid didn't even call me.  Hubby looked like he was going to blow out of frustration.  He needed sleep.  He needed to go to work.  Called the parents hosting....I made record time to the house.  Stuttered and stammered and slurred through my apologies...

Why didn't HOckey Player call?  Well, one of his friends had just left 30 minutes prior.  He knew we would come.  Just figured we had to wait till all the kids had left our house.  The parents...well they knew what Super Bowl night can be like with a bunch of kids that can't drive.  Figured we were up to our eyeballs in the chauffeur business.    Nope, just brain damaged and forgot one.  I am so glad I had not climbed under the covers yet.  The only thing that could make this story worse. 

Hockey Player totally unphased.  He didn't even remember this was the second time Dad and I had miscommunicated and left him waiting.  He really is too quiet of a kid... he needs to become more of a pest and NOISY...  I feel like pond scum.  I love that boy way to much to forget him.  I am glad I didn't wake to a phone call wondering if all was okay and if we wanted our son back ?!?

Shopping with Grandmama!

Counting the joy still....
I love this photo from January.... Mom's eyes are smiling.  She has her Pepsi.  And she is in a store all at the same time.  Anyone who knows her, knows she hates to shop or go to the mall.  So standing in the mall with this beautiful smile and look of joy is the only indication of her memory slipping! 

1061.

 

1062.  Discovering the trick to shopping with Dad's Bud. Provide him with 3 way mirrors and he is entertained !  LOVE IT! 

 



1063.  Playing dress up and modeling for Grandmama..a  fun favorite!  Beautiful!

Gymnastics and the Man

Before Christmas I snagged these photos. 

Makes me smile.

 

 

 

Counting...The Mom list continued (to 1060)

1043. Capturing grandchildren in film as they are
1044.  Holding Hockey Player in the NICU before anyone else
1045.  Worrying HOckey Player would receive enough touch and love while in the NICU
1046.  Praise music in the morning as she would get ready for work
1047.  Calling Little Princess her "China Doll"
1048.  Taking Fun Girl hiking and teaching her to think it through and come up with a way...to get on the otherside of a fallen tree.
1049.  Planning adventures with grandchildren
1050.  Acorn People
1051.  Pipe cleaner critters
1052.  Faces in the tree trunks
1053.  Talking tooth brush holders
1054.  Swim suit shopping for Hawaii
1055.  Demonstrating that learning never stops you can do it at any age
1056.  Life was never easy, but there was always good in it
1057.  Grandma and Papa stories on tapes
1058.  Not letting me mope and feel sorry for myself. 
1059.  Never too old to learn or try new things.
1060.  Life is an adventure...jump in with both feet and don't take yourself to serious.

Birthday dinner Dad's Bud style

Dad's Bud is nine! He chose Red Lobster for his dinner. We went for lunch.

 

Dad's Bud is our adventurous eater. If he is interested by it, he will try it. So a couple if years ago he saw an ad for Red Lobster and declared he wanted to give it a try.  Saw the poster for snow crab legs and said, "Hey let's try those." He has no concept of money, when someone else is buying. He tried them, he liked them.

So this birthday we are back and he asks to order a pound of snow crab legs! My eyes jumped out of my head. Dad said sure, it is his birthday! He is thrilled.

 

While Dad's Bud was enjoying his lunch, Little Princess was trying to getting past the fishiness of the restaurant.  Even her chicken chicken alfredo was tasting fishy.

 

And when she looked up and across the table all she saw was her brother in heaven, making crunching sounds she just couldn't stomache.

I tried to trade places with her.

She sat next to her brother, but she didn't have to look at him.

 

Alas, that didn't work.  She could still hear the crunching. 

She left her plate for the to go box and we went to the car.

Fresh air for her, and less noise for me. 
My head was hurting.

 

 

Happy Birthday to Dads' Bud!

Unfortuantely, that is all the pictures I have of his Birthday Day pictures.
Hoping for some family birthday pictures this weekend. 
I was so worn out, I slept the rest of the afternoon.

Another Fun Girl Quoteable!

Because Fun Girl would not expect me to do it, I am posting this!

Under the influence of end of day fatigue and post-concussion syndrome

and the inability to argue and defend myself.

My girls and my friend put this on my head!

They found it in the back of the store at Kirklands.

Then Fun Girl texted out the picture with the following quote,

"The devil wears discount Prada"

 



Body Art courtesy of Sibling Love

After a full day of running around, I sat down to do some memory work with THE MAN.  His shirt shifted and I was like, "What is that?"  Lifted his shirt to discover his latest body work.  Love how the belly button (aka tickle dot) is incorporated into this work of art.  It is then I discover he didn't do it!  He asked his sister to and she honored his request. 

Awesome-ness! Fun Girl Quoteables!

I love my Fun Girl! 
I am not looking forward to graduation in a year.
I am not looking forward to the day when she spreads her wings and leaves the nest.
I like her company. 
She brings a smile to my face.

I love this plate of food! 

Swimming makes her sooooo hungry. 

She is like her momma and likes her sweets.

So she sat down at this potluck dinner and announced...
"this will be 2 swim practices!" 

Love it! 

Love that she is willing to count the swim practices....

cause I should and don't.  

 

 

oh yeah...that is yumminess at its best. 

Alternatives to stubborness!

Monday was my first day back in the saddle.  Suprisingly, I met the morning without any dread.  I asked hubby for last week off from normal duties.  Often times I do that and then push through and do stuff anyways.  Last week, that wasn't happening God and my body pretty much made me rest.  I didn't get much done other than what was on the calendar appointment wise.  There are big decisions coming, but first the discussing needs to happen and the prayer.  For now, I just put one foot in front of the other...after my prayer filled shower.  I don't know why it is, but my prayer closet is the shower.  The only time these days I pretty much can't be disturbed.  Alone in the warm shower, I am able to be quiet and seek the Lord about my day, my thoughts are sorted and I have direction.  And Lord Help Us, if my shower gets delayed!  Today, was one of those days, but it worked.  It worked for the best because I had a chance to meet the disagreeables and argumentatives first and I knew what the battle was before me for the day...and because I wasn't going to argue, I assigned a chore or two and headed to the shower before I became grumpy. 

The battle:  Whether learning how to make a map was important?  Whether maps were important at all?  Why should I have to do it again, when I already did it and I did the best I could the first time?
AIY!  Somewhere in there I heard a voice speak about technology and SIRI and GPS and I honestly don't know if it was the sarcastic inner me talking or it was one of the kids.   But AIY!   First I addressed redoing the assignment issue....We do our best and sometimes we learn our error and retry because we know our best is now not the best we can do, because we can easily redo and fix our mistake.  In otherwords practice and practice may not make perfect, but it makes better and leading to our best.  SO NOT THE ANSWER someone wanted! 

And to the shower I go.... and since the morning was almost gone, I exit the shower with a plan and instructions for all children to be ready to go in 10 minutes.  Yep, I am so able to pull that off these days. 

My plan: The children will navigate me to Big Sis's job where we will drop her off.  Then they will navigate me to McDonald's and then to the Zoo.  Fun Girl freaks!  Convinced we will be late.  And the extra 15 minutes of drive time I have allotted will not be enough.  Silly girl.  The did great and we arrived with minutes to spare. 

THE MAN begged for a turn, and so it was granted.  He had to direct me to the nearest McDonald's.  He is 7.  Not one sibling had an ounce of faith that he could do it.  But I had listened to him in the car and he was amazing.  He has an awesome sense of direction.  To everyone's delight we arrived in good time and there was food to quiet the natives.  Not the best of food, but food nonetheless...I was doing this on zero prep time, but on totally on God's clock!

The next task...navigate me to the zoo!  THE MAN jumps on this one and quickly starts telling me which way to turn.  None of the others dared to try.  He was awesome, directing me the whole way with affirmation from Hockey Player! 

At the Zoo:  Child 4 picks an animal to visit..Child 5 navigates the way using the map.  Then Child 3 picks an animal and Child 4 navigates the way but including a bathroom stop along the way.  Child 2 and 3 the next and so forth.  We had to modify the plan along the way as I started to fatigue near the end.  The point, to learn to read a map and appreciate a legend and compass rose.

 

Success!
As the momma was getting droopy she saw the lying lions and wanted to join them.

 

Shortly after getting home and trying to work on seat work
these cubs were down for the count!

and this one found a sunny spot.

 



Shaken brains change thinking and speaking

Winding down from the day and trying to catch up on some things as I wait for sleep to capture me.  Sure beats lounging in the dark and writing blog posts in my mind while I wait to wake in the morning.

I drank a Pepsi today.  I couldn't take a nap.  So now, I have caffeine coursing through my system.  Fortunately, tomorrow I have my hubby to cover for me if I need a nap so I can go back to my non-Pepsi state. 

One of my first goals when returning from Colorado was to kick the Pepsi.  This past week I did it, but then I had a couple since then.  But the caffeine headaches are gone.  At least I think they were caffeine headaches.  I did really well in Colorado.  Really reduced the pop intake because I didn't want to struggle with dehydration in Colorado. 

Since my return from Colorado, I have had a lot more trouble with my speech.  I saw the doctor before I left and was referred to a neuro doc. I just never have been back to my old self since the car accident.  Headaches, dizziness, numbness.  My doctor started calling neuro docs and we were referred to a Neuropsychiatrist to assess me and my symptoms.  I have more dramatic pauses to my speech and stuttering.  I have to work for words and the more I think the more pronounced (pun intended) the speech issues get.   Yes I meant to say the more I think.  Thinking is hard exercise these days for this brain.  It gets all fuzzy feeling and sometimes I think I feel it sweating a bit.   

When all is calm and quiet, it is as if the accident never happened.  Then I get busy around the house and talking to someone and it all changes.  The more animated or tired I am, well I try to find a sense of humor.  The word "who" gets me and, well, I pause and just "whoooo"t like an owl when I am with the kids.  Laughing is better than crying.  One of my clever witted children asked why I sounded like Porky the Pig.  To which he got a look and no response.  Of all things to compare the mother to, not the best choice. 

My brain gets tired.  I am told, that is, because it is trying to heal.  There is some talk about permanent brain damage in the speech area.  Surrounding parts of the brain may kick in to pick up the slack. 

The whole thing is just a confusing mess of whats??? The timing of the concussion with stress, cold/flu viruses, sinus stuff has really muddied the waters. I have such a high tolerance for sinus and ear pain it has been hard to know if dizziness is related to sickness or concussion. So I just kept resting. But I was pressed to seek a doctor appointment when faced with the question of whether to fly or not this past trip to Colorado. There will be more testing coming up.  Primarily for a baseline to monitor my brain's healing and for the future.  It should, also, (I am hoping it will) give us some indicators as to what is going on with me and my brain. With my mom's early onset of Alzheimer's it will be good record to have for my own medical history. 

For now, I wait...wait for appointments and rest.  I need to have moderate stress and activity in my life to allow my brain to heal. The first 3 months are critical... well the first 2 months are done and gone. There was nothing we could have or probably would have done differently had we known...we were doing the best we could at the time. To second guess ourselves won't change anything. So now I rest in knowing our life has significantly changed in the last 2 months. My responsibility load has been lightened and God's timing has been in it all. He knows far more what each day and year will bring. While the process has not been an easy one, He knows.   

Remembering...

I love this kid! 

I love his smile!

Picking up where I left off....

I don't know where to begin.  One of the reasons why I have been silent.  I don't know even how to categorize all the feelings, thoughts and ramblings that occur in my mind.  I went to Colorado with my Mom and Henry.  My sister had done the initial nursing home hunt with her husband.  They narrowed down the options.  God went before us in all of this, making the process easier.  Easier because He narrowed the options down for us.  Easier because He made choice clear.  Easier because there wasn't a lot required of us.  The work in of itself was easy.  For that I am so very grateful and humbled that He made the work easy. 

Because the otherside of it was not and is not easy. 

Alzheimer's is not easy.  At any age it is not easy.  But at 64 years of age in a woman with the heart of a 20 year old (according to the doctors), it seems unreal and not fair.  I know, I know life is not fair.  In my household we have been dealing with dementia/Alzheimer's for awhile now.  There is humor to be found in the midst.  Joy that can be hung onto.  Dancing with Grandpa in a congo line while he does therapy.  Encouraging Great Granny to cooperate with the presence of great-grandchildren and brownies.  Watching movies and listening to stories....some so out there you know they are a tale as wild as can be imagined.  In the midst of it all, there is tenderness, love and compassion.  While we have traveled this road for several years, it has not been as shocking to our emotions and beings when we consider their age.  This path with my Mom is another altogether. 

I find myself needing to tell people she is ONLY 64.  She doesn't even quite fit in with the nursing home crowd.  She is too young.  Matter of fact, she sauntered off her "floor" in the first week, she followed someone out.  She had just had her hair done and was looking good and out she went and the alarms went off.  Oh my, I chuckled when I heard.  What else could I do?  Yes, she is a Great-Grandma, but she is young!  She walks me into the ground.  64!  That is 25 years from now for me.  My youngest kiddo would be 32. 

Her decline has been so rapid.  In some ways I think, wow! What a blessing....so as to not languish in this disease process.  While on the other hand, it is happening so quickly, I can't quite catch my breath.  I want to say stop! slow down!  Just a little bit more time.  Yet I know what is coming, I have watched this process for a while now.  I have talked with Hospice nurses, doctors, home health aides, etc. etc.  It is hard.  Beyond hard.

This past month I said Good-bye.  I have been grieving and struggling since summer.  But with moving Mom to Colorado to the nursing home, I knew in my heart it was good-bye.  I have locked in my heart each tender moment I could have with her.  Even curling up next to her laying my head on her shoulder while we watched a movie together. Doing my best to pack suprises for her and noting her joy upon discovering them.  Trying to include her in purchases for her new home and capturing her in hugs in Wal-Mart when she tried to "run away".  (btw Wal-mart is not the best place to take someone with Alzheimers.....can you say OVERWHELMING!).

I am ever so grateful for the past 5 years (I think) they have lived here in Kansas.   I moved to Kansas some 20+ years ago and am blessed to have had these past 5 years with my mom closer to me physically and relationally.  It breaks my heart to know this was good-bye.  I know there will be visits, but she will more than likely no longer know me.  The longer between visits, the less familiar a person is and her memories of me were already slipping.  I am already experiencing her absence...as I struggle with my health and major decisions, she was often the one I would turn to for prayers and support.  As her grandchildren struggled or were injured or sick, I would call for prayers.  When I found myself standing before a Goliath, she quietly stood/sat beside me and held my hand and I knew she was praying.  I  find myself hurting and struggling and I can't call my Mom anymore for her to join me in prayers.  We no longer are able to share verses being memorized and studied.   The tears come.  In the midst of the grief, I am grateful for this legacy.  I am grateful for the example she has set, the lessons she lived and taught, and for the example she is demonstrating as she clings to the habit of reading her Bible daily and listening to praise music... I just wish we had had more time.

Counting in 2013....the Mom list

So I haven't been posting at all like I would like.... I even compose lists as I fall asleep.  Sigh....
Here is some of what I have been counting this year.
1001.  Pinewood Derby Camp-ins... Hubby and Dad's Bud working on the car together.
1002.  Date night with hubby, even when I don't feel up to it 100%
1003.  Paydays
1004.  3 day weekends
1005.  Federal holidays...hubby is a federal employee = extra days off
1006.  Shopping for furniture with hubby
1007.  Cleared for Colorado

A list of moments with my Mom

1008.  Chin cupped in hands of my mom
1009.  Mom smoothing away my tears
1010.  Granddaughters faces cupped in grandmama's hands as she tells them they are beautiful
1011.  The struggle and fierceness to try and remember my name....when I tell her why I cry...she doesn't remember me...
1012.  Nodding her head when I help her by saying, "Heather"
1013.  For a moment, knowing my children by name
1014.  Swiping my Pepsi while I am driving by pouring it in her cup. 
1015.  Angry with me and leaves the house, yet she comes back and invites me on her walk.
1016.  A lifetime of nightly Bible reading continues in spite of Alzheimers
1017.  Knowing the great hymns and singing with music
1018.  Attending church, and praising God with abandon during the worship time
1019.  Packing her things and all the Bible notes found tucked in here and there
1020.  In some ways she was a minimalist, she didn't keep stuff to keep stuff, almost everything I touched of hers had significance and brought back a memory
1021.  Holding one another and crying together....brief moment of acknowledgement and grief over what was happening to her mind.
1022.  After meeting the nursing home staff and taking a tour, as we sat together and grieved, "You want to know what I think?  It is okay. It will take some getting used to."  A moment of acceptance, a moment with my Mom, the Mom I've known for all my years.
1023.  Watching Brave with Mom
1024.  Watching movies in general with Mom
1025.  Introducing Mom to the movie, "She's the Man"
1026.  Trading Mom a Pepsi for baby Joyness....So I could finally have a turn holding the baby.
1027.  Playing Mom's musical animals
1028.  Snuggling on the couch and resting my head on her shoulder for probably the last time
1029.  Listening to her remembering the hikes she took with my Hubby
1030.  Mom waking up early ready to go....frustrated that she has to wait on me yet again.
1031.  Tackle hugs in Walmart
1032.  The manners of my children....as they eat the offered cookie from Grandma.  The last cookies she will probably ever make.  They were BAD.  As in AWFUL.  I couldn't even finished it. (Grandpa sat on the couch watching, a little smirk on his face!)  Grandma was loving her cookie and couldn't eat it fast enough! Could have been a candid camera moment! 
1033.  The Grandpa figurine on the porch
1034.  Bright cheery floral bedding
1035.  Laughing together
1036.  Pressed Flowers
1037.  Finding a piece I cross-stitched and she kept it all these years
1038.  Flowers from my wedding that she kept all these years!
1039.  Finding her "lost" SS cards...no trips to the SS office required!
1040.  Grandma's goose and frog
1041.  Shiny gray hair
1042.  Chinese excercise balls for fingers

Meeting JoyNess

So my doctors didn't tell me not to go to Colorado.  They did tell me, however, to not fly.  Two nights before we left town, I receive texts and calls...my niece was heading to the hospital to be induced.  I slept through the chirping from the middle of the night/early in the morning text.  My Grand-niece, nicknamed by her Nana on her blog, JoyNess, was born after 7 hours of labor.  It is mind blowing to think of my sister as Nana. We are entering new seasons of life and yet I so clearly remember the baby days of my niece who is now a momma herself.  A lot of change is blowing into my life these days and some of it is hard to process.  Hard because the years are flying by and I feel like I just blinked and I have missed so much as a result.  JoyNess is just that Joy in the midst of all this change.  She was roughly 36 hours old when I met her and my heart was so full. 

Her she is meeting her Great Grandmama and Great Papa. 

Sure made the long drive so much easier knowing she would be at the end of the road to meet. 

 

And here she is with Nana!

I am so grateful for her early arrival.  She is one strong and healthy little girl.  Her arrival wasn't without some bumps along the way, but she emerged strong and healthy and a perfect snuggler.  While she won't remember these days, God was using her in a mighty way, much like He used her Momma when she was a wee baby herself.  In all the trials of my teen years, my neice was my sunshine.  No matter what happened in a day, her smile could wash it all away.  Her hugs meant everything to me.  There is nothing like the seeing the world through the eyes of a child.  The purpose of this trip, I wish I could say was entirely to rejoice in JoyNess's arrival, but there bigger and harder things to accomplish on this trip.  But in the midst of it all there was JoyNess.  a peace and joy that came with just holding her, snuggling her, whispering prayers in her ear and telling her how much Jesus loved her.  For moments or two, all the other disappeared and there was this beautiful miracle to gaze upon and reflect on the beauty of God's creation.