Scared and Sleepless

I went on a retreat this last weekend.
I don't remember when my head started hurting.  Before the retreat. 
Late Sunday night I just "couldn't" anymore.  Left the tv remote with the girls and went to bed.
I cried, and the pain worsened.
Fun Girl found me...
She tried to call her dad. He was at a hockey game with the boys.  Unsuccessful, she called our friend Dara. 
They tried to boss me out of bed...to another room where I wouldn't hear water running.  The goal was to get me in a warm bath to help me relax and see if that would help.
Earlier in the day, Fun Girl and I were cruising through my essential oil book, she grabbed it and started reading. 
Not too long after, my room was scented with the oils of frankencense, lavender, mint, "Stress Away", lemon, "Peace and Calming".
She was rubbing oils on my feet. 
I would like to say that was the cure all. 
I felt loved and cared for.  I felt guilty that my daughter was feeling so desperate and I was the cause.  I was soothed by the scent of the oils. 
Hubby was home soon after.  He was on the phone with the doctor, in spite of my protests.
Ice packs were suggested. 
And they worked.
They worked to the point I could sleep.
Late Sunday morning/early afternoon I woke.
My speech was a mess.
My leg was...well I don't know how to describe it...it just gets slightly heavier and less like my own leg.  Doesn't work or feel quite like my real leg is suppose to and yet it is my leg.

sigh

The headaches came back.  Not as severe.  But back nonetheless.
The hubs says he is coming home early from work to push for an appointment with the doctor.  Says he is going to push for hospitalization or something.  It has been 3 months.  And we have no concrete answers. Healing from a concussion can take 2 years.  Headaches might come and go for years.  No appointments with specialists that could possibly do anything or know anything.

I have hung up my car keys.  My vision is wacky.  My speech is hit and miss.
I have trouble following busy conversations... I even had trouble following the speaker during our retreat. 

We have no answers. 

And for the first time in my life, I don't know what questions to ask.
There are quite a few that have told me they think this is stress related.

Yet the whole situation is stressful.

I haven't blogged, because I have no answers. 

I don't know how to explain this state of being. My broken speech.  If I have time to form my words in my head before I speak, I can for the most part speak correctly.  My search for words.  My frustration.  I sometimes catch myself wondering if this is what my mom feels like with Alzheimer's or any of the other people I have met and seen as they struggle to communicate. 

I think through what I am going to do before I do it.  Sometimes I freeze in place to plan how to move....a curb will cause me to stop and ponder the process of stepping down.  The fear that takes over, that I will fall and hurt my head further. 

My eyes are sometimes slower to focus.  The world takes on an iridescent 3D appearance at times.  It just shimmers and moves and yet I know it is suppose to be stationary.  I stop and wait till I can bring it into focus and hopefully, the world stops moving quite so quickly and lets me catch up. 

In all honesty, I don't know how to pray.....
Praying for healing would be the practical request. 
Yet my practical side recognizes, God's plan might be a different path.
So I sit in silence and wait.  Wait and rest.  Try to learn what He might teach me in my silence.
And sometimes I cry.
Sometimes, I get glimpses in the changes He is doing....
*brothers who fight less and learn to work things out a bit better...just so mom isn't stressed or overwhelmed by the loudness
*maturity and a stronger work ethics being developed
*new skills learned
*less busy mom means more one on one time
*new growths in relationships
*new relationships
*seeing the heart of a prayer warrior develope in The Man

I find myself in the quiet of the night wondering, praying, alone in my head......
Maybe tomorrow I will be better....