Learning experiences in the HARD

I have been quiet for a few weeks.   Been walking through a season and learning and leaning on my Heavenly Father.  Sometimes life is just HARD.  There is no way around it.  Sometimes not only it is HARD, but there comes a tiredness that is HARD to overcome. 

I am grateful to be blessed with a husband who allows me some time to wrestle and cry and work it through.  This year I have faced some overwhelming HARD changes in my life.  What makes it all HARD is I struggle with depression and while some seasons are easier to roll with the punches, others are not so easy. 

Earlier in the year, it became known that my momma has dementia.  She is way too young.  Her memory/mind seems to be declining more rapidly than we would like.  Growing up in a not so idyllic childhood there has been estrangement and stress in all the relationships in my family.  When my mom moved to Kansas, our relationship for the first time improved and we became a bit more like friends.  Guaranteed the first move in Kansas she was a couple of hours away, but then there was another move and she was closer.  Only 30 minutes driving.  Not really sure exactly when things started showing up and realized something was wrong, but it was shortly after the last move.  Just bizarre things.  Things I let annoy me.  Eventually it was things I allowed to hurt me.  Now I look back and I see, I see oh so much clearer.  The energy I wasted being annoyed, the energy I wasted on frustration.  I kept voicing I was concerned.  Never could put a finger on it.  The changes they happen so gradually.  Excuses are made, slip ups laughed off until no longer you can remember life being different.  Then a photo album comes out and as I flip through the pages I remember a different time.  Something is wrong....

This past month though, with a kiddo in the hospital and a call that my Granny was declining and not doing well at all and I should visit as soon as I can.  Estrangement happening again with my Dad and my Mom not being the Mom I remembered, I crumbled.  Sometimes you just want your Mommy and her hugs.  You can't always have what you want.  I had to find what was enough.  So I have been quiet here, but not so quiet with my Heavenly Father.  Remembering to praise Him for who He is and in all the ways He loves me and shows me He is there, even when deep in my heart I just want to have a pity party.  Allowing Him to collect my tears.  Putting one foot in front of the other, although sometimes it is pretty sluggish.  Trying to push through the dark clouds and trust God is with me even in the storms and it is HARD.  Cause that is what it is about TRUST when times are HARD.  During the easy times building a foundation that can whether the storms of life no matter what they bring.  Something my Mom taught me just by living day after day with the Lord for almost as long as I can remember back to.....