Picking up where I left off....

I don't know where to begin.  One of the reasons why I have been silent.  I don't know even how to categorize all the feelings, thoughts and ramblings that occur in my mind.  I went to Colorado with my Mom and Henry.  My sister had done the initial nursing home hunt with her husband.  They narrowed down the options.  God went before us in all of this, making the process easier.  Easier because He narrowed the options down for us.  Easier because He made choice clear.  Easier because there wasn't a lot required of us.  The work in of itself was easy.  For that I am so very grateful and humbled that He made the work easy. 

Because the otherside of it was not and is not easy. 

Alzheimer's is not easy.  At any age it is not easy.  But at 64 years of age in a woman with the heart of a 20 year old (according to the doctors), it seems unreal and not fair.  I know, I know life is not fair.  In my household we have been dealing with dementia/Alzheimer's for awhile now.  There is humor to be found in the midst.  Joy that can be hung onto.  Dancing with Grandpa in a congo line while he does therapy.  Encouraging Great Granny to cooperate with the presence of great-grandchildren and brownies.  Watching movies and listening to stories....some so out there you know they are a tale as wild as can be imagined.  In the midst of it all, there is tenderness, love and compassion.  While we have traveled this road for several years, it has not been as shocking to our emotions and beings when we consider their age.  This path with my Mom is another altogether. 

I find myself needing to tell people she is ONLY 64.  She doesn't even quite fit in with the nursing home crowd.  She is too young.  Matter of fact, she sauntered off her "floor" in the first week, she followed someone out.  She had just had her hair done and was looking good and out she went and the alarms went off.  Oh my, I chuckled when I heard.  What else could I do?  Yes, she is a Great-Grandma, but she is young!  She walks me into the ground.  64!  That is 25 years from now for me.  My youngest kiddo would be 32. 

Her decline has been so rapid.  In some ways I think, wow! What a blessing....so as to not languish in this disease process.  While on the other hand, it is happening so quickly, I can't quite catch my breath.  I want to say stop! slow down!  Just a little bit more time.  Yet I know what is coming, I have watched this process for a while now.  I have talked with Hospice nurses, doctors, home health aides, etc. etc.  It is hard.  Beyond hard.

This past month I said Good-bye.  I have been grieving and struggling since summer.  But with moving Mom to Colorado to the nursing home, I knew in my heart it was good-bye.  I have locked in my heart each tender moment I could have with her.  Even curling up next to her laying my head on her shoulder while we watched a movie together. Doing my best to pack suprises for her and noting her joy upon discovering them.  Trying to include her in purchases for her new home and capturing her in hugs in Wal-Mart when she tried to "run away".  (btw Wal-mart is not the best place to take someone with Alzheimers.....can you say OVERWHELMING!).

I am ever so grateful for the past 5 years (I think) they have lived here in Kansas.   I moved to Kansas some 20+ years ago and am blessed to have had these past 5 years with my mom closer to me physically and relationally.  It breaks my heart to know this was good-bye.  I know there will be visits, but she will more than likely no longer know me.  The longer between visits, the less familiar a person is and her memories of me were already slipping.  I am already experiencing her absence...as I struggle with my health and major decisions, she was often the one I would turn to for prayers and support.  As her grandchildren struggled or were injured or sick, I would call for prayers.  When I found myself standing before a Goliath, she quietly stood/sat beside me and held my hand and I knew she was praying.  I  find myself hurting and struggling and I can't call my Mom anymore for her to join me in prayers.  We no longer are able to share verses being memorized and studied.   The tears come.  In the midst of the grief, I am grateful for this legacy.  I am grateful for the example she has set, the lessons she lived and taught, and for the example she is demonstrating as she clings to the habit of reading her Bible daily and listening to praise music... I just wish we had had more time.